From the Nonsense Files: A Tug of War

Recently, I participated in an online writing workshop, and one of the first assignments involved listing positive and negative traits I saw in myself, and then taking them to the extreme: creating two characters, mirror images, based on those traits. Writing about two "me"s turned out to be boring, so I took a more literal approach. Apologizing for any piece was against the class rules, and so I'll try not to do that here.

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Shanna and Em live in a place of light and shadow. A world parallel to our own, but with gaps and sometimes gulfs of nothingness that may be suddenly filled again, the moment light touches the space. They only have contact with the Girl through mirrors and reflections. She doesn't look at them often. They make a bit of a game of it, guessing who will see her next.

-- She's looked at me! She's here! -- Shanna is frozen in front of the bathroom mirror, holding her reddish-brown hair on top of her head, and smiling slightly. -- Oh, I hope she'll stay. I really think I could help her. -- She inspects the Girl's teeth, then turns the bathroom light off and moves to the livingroom. Her identical twin is there on the couch, reading. Depending on the Girl's mood, one of them is free to do as she pleases, while the other remains available to reflect from any mirrors or other smooth surfaces. Not a hard job at all, and lately, Em has been busier than her sister.

"All she needs is some self-confidence, and a good start. She can do this!" Shanna stands in the middle of the room, hands on her hips, surveying the mess around her. As she begins to move stacks of books and laundry, in parallel with the girl in that other world, she tries to give her movements a little extra oomph, as much as is allowed. She smiles broadly, knowing that it won't show through clearly in the reflection from the TV screen, but also knowing that she can subtly influence the Girl's state of mind as they stay in sync.

Her sister looks up from the book she is reading, and shakes her head at Shanna's antics. "Pointless!" is all she says, as she lifts her feet to allow more books to be moved. "I give her five minutes, tops."

A generous guess, because the Girl and Shanna have now found the violin tucked behind the couch, and they are off to find some music to play along with.

"Agh! No! I hid that thing." Em drags a pillow over her head. "Can't she pick something more quiet to learn?"

-- Hush, you. This is good. She hasn't picked it up in months. -- Shanna screws up her mouth and concentrates, mostly hitting the right notes. Luckily, the music is turned up loudly enough to blend in the occasional squeak. She enjoys herself thoroughly for the next half hour, then she and the Girl put down their bows together, and head off to the kitchen to make lunch.

Some days are like this, fun, full of new projects, potential. Shanna happily flits along from one to the other, inside or out, skimming across pots and pans or smiling from the windows of the greenhouse. Beekeeping, painting, gardening, and there is always some new topic to research. She sometimes gets to leave the place, visit with other Reflectors, wherever the Girl goes. She has been camping recently; even went kayaking, her face gliding across the surface of the water as the Girl watched for fish or turtles below.

She has traveled a bit, as well. This year the Girl became involved in a political cause; Shanna has been to rallies, waved signs, helped start a reading group. The Girl becomes more animated when she is out: interacting, discussing, encouraging others. Shanna can tell that she feels good at these times.

Eventually, though, the Girl becomes overwhelmed. So many projects, so little time. Being around groups of people drains her. She comes home to a messy house, and so cannot relax to read or work on something quiet, yet doesn't have the energy required to clean or organize. This is when Em's reflection is the one seen.

Em wants to be left alone, needs peace and quiet, wants to read. Em doesn't trust people, not anyone. People will eventually hurt you, she claims. They will disappoint you. Em sees no point in continuing projects, cleaning the house, or getting involved in "futile" causes. She is interested in new things, too, but why take risks? She worries when Shanna is out, but shows it through criticism, and pessimistic comments intended to keep her sister home. She cares deeply about people, too deeply, and so withdraws, to avoid seeing their pain.

The Girl (and she is no longer a girl, Em will tell you, so why keep calling her by that silly name?) hardly looks at Em; when she does, they both look away immediately. The Girl keeps only two mirrors in the house, one in the bathroom, where she looks specifically at her teeth or hair, and one on the vanity of the dresser upstairs, which she simply avoids, letting the dust build up on the glass.

Things go on like this for a while, Em and the Girl sometimes spending entire days on the couch with a stack of books and a bag of chocolate doughnuts, reading madly, searching for new knowledge, occupying their minds with anything but whatever pressure the Girl is avoiding. Then something clicks, the Girl looks up with either resolve or resignation, and the cycle begins again: it is Shanna's turn to Reflect.

At night, sometimes, when the Girl is asleep. Em and Shanna will sit up and talk about things. Shanna tries to convince Em that what the Girl needs is more encouragement, but Em will have none of it. It's reality, she counters, and she insists that the Girl must learn to deal with it.

And so there is a perpetual tug of war; but Shanna and Em are more alike than they realize. Both are the same, in fact, but for one thing: Shanna accepts herself, where Em never can.