Tearjerkers

I have been watching lots of period romance, can-never-be-together tearjerkers, lately. Why is that? Maybe I'm just hormonal, mooning around wanting romance. Maybe I'm trying to process the things I've been thinking about lately (people, relationships, etc.). Maybe I'm looking for a safe, controlled outlet for tears.

Today I sat in a room with my dying father, watching through the window as my seven-year-old son rolled down a sun-splashed hill in brilliant flashes of white T-shirt and red sweatpants. Life energies and generations; one waxing, the other waning.

I have buried myself in classes and causes, but none are a perfect escape route. Reality continues, with or without my cooperation.

We're caught in the grey, now. Not knowing when, we feel the need to watch and wait, cling to moments. We look back, and look forward. Both make us cry.

Laughing at Myself

Sometimes I crack myself up. Once again, I find myself sitting up into the wee hours of the morning, mind racing, stack of books I'm wanting to read, posts to make, excited about the John Adams mini-series I've finally started watching...and honestly wondering where all of this energy came from!

Duh...I drank a huge cup of McD's sweet tea earlier tonight - that stuff is potent! And yet surprises me every time. Ha!

More random thoughts: that widget on the right side of this page, that says "What I'm Listening To"? It's based on a few picks from my current favorites, but I really am listening to the samples, too, lol. And do rather often. Thirty-second snippets, and strangely, I love it. So, yeah, I need to add more songs. Or, maybe, to quit procrastinating, and get some work done. Ya think?

Something Someone Said...

My friend Crys recently wrote, in her blog, Simply Living:

So when we meet someone who actively listens and doesn't pass judgment on our opinions or feelings but rather lets them stand for what they are, we want to be consumed by that person. Our entire lives have been created behind barriers, and now we have the opportunity to tear those down. We don't know how long it will last. We don't know if it will ever come again with another person. We want to be consumed, if only for a moment.

I've been struggling with something similar, lately. I spend so much time with only my family, and even where we are open, we have rituals and routines built into our relationships. Seems doors shut before you can go anywhere new, based on familiarity, or annoyance from pushing one another's buttons. We settle into our roles, to remain comfortable in close quarters.

Then, I venture out into the "world", and suddenly find myself making a connection with someone new, realizing we hold the same thoughts on some favorite author, or discovering that we have something else in common I'd thought long ago buried or forgotten in myself.

I tend to get a little too intense when I find that understanding, even after the individual has moved on. It's not about them, though; it's that I suddenly feel like a whole person, seen through another's eyes. That feeling excites my mind, even sends me into little daydreams about alternate lives and potential.

It's silly, really, because that individual cannot have anywhere near the view of my whole self that my family does. Still, I begin to resent the casual familiarity in my own home; wishing my husband and I stayed up at night debating science or philosophy, without resorting to picking at each other's choice of words; wishing life in a secure relationship didn't sometimes feel so mundane; wishing that my children knew that when I am away from expectations and preconceived notions, sometimes I shine.

But then, I realize that they have no preconceived notions that I have not set for them, that I am the only one limiting how much of myself I share with them, and that in order for them to be able to grow into whole persons, they must be encouraged; they need that same interaction and appreciation. They need to shine, and to know when they do.

There are reasons for these little reminders of how we see ourselves, and of how we choose to interact with others.