My friend Crys recently wrote, in her blog, Simply Living:
So when we meet someone who actively listens and doesn't pass judgment on our opinions or feelings but rather lets them stand for what they are, we want to be consumed by that person. Our entire lives have been created behind barriers, and now we have the opportunity to tear those down. We don't know how long it will last. We don't know if it will ever come again with another person. We want to be consumed, if only for a moment.
I've been struggling with something similar, lately. I spend so much time with only my family, and even where we are open, we have rituals and routines built into our relationships. Seems doors shut before you can go anywhere new, based on familiarity, or annoyance from pushing one another's buttons. We settle into our roles, to remain comfortable in close quarters.
Then, I venture out into the "world", and suddenly find myself making a connection with someone new, realizing we hold the same thoughts on some favorite author, or discovering that we have something else in common I'd thought long ago buried or forgotten in myself.
I tend to get a little too intense when I find that understanding, even after the individual has moved on. It's not about them, though; it's that I suddenly feel like a whole person, seen through another's eyes. That feeling excites my mind, even sends me into little daydreams about alternate lives and potential.
It's silly, really, because that individual cannot have anywhere near the view of my whole self that my family does. Still, I begin to resent the casual familiarity in my own home; wishing my husband and I stayed up at night debating science or philosophy, without resorting to picking at each other's choice of words; wishing life in a secure relationship didn't sometimes feel so mundane; wishing that my children knew that when I am away from expectations and preconceived notions, sometimes I shine.
But then, I realize that they have no preconceived notions that I have not set for them, that I am the only one limiting how much of myself I share with them, and that in order for them to be able to grow into whole persons, they must be encouraged; they need that same interaction and appreciation. They need to shine, and to know when they do.
There are reasons for these little reminders of how we see ourselves, and of how we choose to interact with others.
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3 comments:
I've been watching my oldest son lately. When he is away from me and around other children and adults, he has a charisma that I don't always see at home. It's that break away from me that he needs in order to evaluate how the behavior he knows I expect from him works around others. He needs to see it in action...not inside the safety of family, but around others who will judge him based on their own set of values. I can tell him until I'm blue in the face what a great kid he is, but he also needs that validation from others who aren't under my influence.
I think we all need to get that on occasion. I become stagnant when I am only with my family. I think that is because we have also settled into routine of expected behavior, regardless how open we are. Perhaps that openness does hold us back sometimes, or bores us.
We all need a safe place and to be around people with whom we feel safe. I wrote somewhere else in my blog that people don't want to be lost and find no comfort in instability. I do think there are some of us who need to be challenged...not by others but by ourselves.
I need to be around people who accept me fully; yet, when I am with only those people I don't feel that exhilaration of testing the waters. I need that also. I need to throw myself to the wolves every once in a while because it makes me feel alive.
Meeting new people is like that. I get crushes on people when I first meet them because I don't feel like my words have passed through their heads without a few sticking. Sometimes I feel like that at home. Sometimes I feel like my husband can anticipate every word I am about to say. I want that look of surprise and intrigue that I get when I meet new people, even if I have no desire to add them to my friend list.
You write very well.
Hi, cheri!
If you meant crys, I agree! :)
If you meant me, wow, thank you!
Thanks for stopping by!
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